I showered, put on my favourite lipstick. Put on my best suit jacket and my beret.
I was ready to go out, when she appeared. She stood on the way like a rock, she refused to let me out. There was nothing I could do. When I asked her who she was, she laughed and said: "I am you!"
"The only enemy we have is ourselves. The only person that keeps us away from our goals is us." I believe in that. However, I think we could see this from another angle, that is way more compassionate and loving towards ourselves. So I decided not to believe in self-sabotage anymore. And I invite you all to do the same.
Different people live within me. Who talk to me and I talk to. It's a constant play in my head. Some comedians are drama queens and speak so loud. Some of them are very shy and difficult to access. Every single one of them is a part of me. There is not one that I could silence or they would make a mess. There is not one that I would repress because they teach me about myself.
Every voice seeks to be heard. Every cry is a lesson learned. The eight year old in us will beg not to become too close to this person because they are terrified of abandon.
The control freak in us will procrastinate because they are terrified to fail this task that awaits us. The anti-social in us will find any reason to prove they "do not fit in" or they "will always be alone" because rejection was way too hard to handle in the past.
So, no. You do not have any demons. There is not such thing as self-sabotage. There is only you. Your past experiences and traumas caused a fragmentation of yourself into different personas who all try to cope by developing defence mechanisms.
I did not fight. I sat her down and offered some tea. I listened to every single word she had to say and finally, I understood. I innerstood. She was just scared. After a fruitful conversation, we finally stood up and held hands. I left my apartment as I should, as one.