Mental Health

Tribute n˚42

You are not yourself.

A few months ago, symptoms of depression I fought for long creeped in again.

I suffered depression for several years. I once found a journal of my 9-year-old self, where I shared my will to end my life. In the end I decided not to, because I just got two cats. Cute but sad, right?

I made one suicide attempt at 14, and another one at 18. The latter ended at the hospital. When the doctors asked me what my intention was, I replied:

"I just want to stop thinking".

Life is made of ups and downs. Some downs are more difficult to overcome than others. Some, hurt us so deep, we know that their wounds might heal, their scars will never fade.

In those times, we might feel the urge to feel better, or "get back on track" for the comfort of others around us. We might hear "you are not yourself".

As though only certain parts of our personality or psyche are suitable for public consumption.

This is when I stopped feeling. Forced smiles and laughs, thinking, this will, eventually, go away. But it didn't and my thoughts took over.The problem is, when we repress feelings until we feel none, when we cease to feel anything at all, we lose track of what causes pain and why. What excites or delights us. There is no possible path towards growth.Looking back, I realise and understand why I wanted to escape this physical life, in which my feelings and emotions were "not appropriate", or "too much".It's not that I needed to stop thinking at all, it's just that I needed to allow myself to feel.
When we fully feel any emotion, there is nothing left to think about.
Depression is repression. Just feel.