Tribute n˚43

Religion and science come to the same conclusion

one day all the breathe we take will fade away

all the hair we grew will fall away

only the rest

will remain

memories of a past that shines through the decades of insignificance

small and yet infinite,

the truth in any case needs no defense 

(no offence).

I too loved a mortal man

but late at night i whisper, "let's meet on the moon"

before coming back 

I wonder

Had I been raised by the goddesses

wouldn't I too

be godlike?

Tribute n˚42

You are not yourself.

A few months ago, symptoms of depression I fought for long creeped in again.

I suffered depression for several years. I once found a journal of my 9-year-old self, where I shared my will to end my life. In the end I decided not to, because I just got two cats. Cute but sad, right?

I made one suicide attempt at 14, and another one at 18. The latter ended at the hospital. When the doctors asked me what my intention was, I replied:

"I just want to stop thinking".

Life is made of ups and downs. Some downs are more difficult to overcome than others. Some, hurt us so deep, we know that their wounds might heal, their scars will never fade.

In those times, we might feel the urge to feel better, or "get back on track" for the comfort of others around us. We might hear "you are not yourself".

As though only certain parts of our personality or psyche are suitable for public consumption.

This is when I stopped feeling. Forced smiles and laughs, thinking, this will, eventually, go away. But it didn't and my thoughts took over.The problem is, when we repress feelings until we feel none, when we cease to feel anything at all, we lose track of what causes pain and why. What excites or delights us. There is no possible path towards growth.Looking back, I realise and understand why I wanted to escape this physical life, in which my feelings and emotions were "not appropriate", or "too much".It's not that I needed to stop thinking at all, it's just that I needed to allow myself to feel.
When we fully feel any emotion, there is nothing left to think about.
Depression is repression. Just feel.

Tribute n˚41

Thoughts my crippled mind turned into dust, to avoid the void that slipping time left behind. What if, for a moment, I would stop using a buffer? This distraction I use daily to avoid... me?

Overeating, overdrinking, overdating, overworked.

Dear buffer, without you, what would remain?

What would I really feel about those people I call my friends, my family, my self?

If I gave up comfort and gave in to my Truth,

Would I step into long-time burried pain?

Or freedom?

We all hide behind a buffer. It covers this version of ourselves we are too scared to face. The real us, waiting to be discovered, is never pushy. It's patient and kind. It just waits for us to suffer enough to disarm all hostility, to finally break free.

Tribute n˚40

I've been insulted and I've been praised.

once my words are tamed

twice I make of my speech a waste

i am lakes with ripples

parts of me(s) are deep

fragmented of egos i kept on wa(i)ving and sinking

into the stupidity of my reactions

facing the ones we harm demands practice and requires pain

acknowledging their name

beyond the threat of them shouting the blame

at us

for shaming the stupidity of their reactions

well-being of speech we tend to overeat

caught up in the heat of our dishonesty that was procrastinated

thoughts we thought we eliminated

not even us can swallow the stupidity of our reactions

with anxiety and control, still working on relaxing our soul

while running around the self-control magnetic pole

although it's taking its toll,

we still breathe in the stupidity of our reactions

stillness when you want to catch me, i'll play hide and seek

when you stay still I'll sit.

Lakes are never deep enough for others to feel the mud and the weep

of our own minds

but lakes, even when they lack depth, never fail to reverberate the skies.


Tribute n˚38

Soon, I'll die. 

When I ask the trees what time it is, they just tell me, it's now Elia, it's only now.

I'm never too late or too early.

Time could only be created by the human kind, the human mind. The mind feeds on time, this is only where past and future can subsist.

When we stop identifying with the stream of thoughts, the light of now comes in. There is no mind, just a deep inner-peace that goes with just being.

We often oppose death to Life. The only opposite to death is birth. Death is a very small part of Life.

Life does not know any opposite. It is too broad, too majestic.

The trees told me the secret of life is to die before you die. And find out, there is no death, only transitions.

The doctors don't know when but I know that when it happens, it'll be now.

Tribute n˚37

Love is always an option.

When we understand that contrast is part of the human experience, we stop using it as an excuse not to love someone. That's what unconditonal love is.

When we do nvot love someone, we are the ones who do not feel the love.

Love is not to be deserved because loving is the ultimate cure we give to ourselves, first.

When we say that we should stop loving to protect ourselves, it implies that love is week. But love is fierce. Love is vulnerable. Love always loves. It never changes with the seasons.

Our love did not create any negative results. Ever. Our love caused love. And that often goes with expectations, to count and rely on someone. Or that they would just love us back. When these expectations are not met, it hurts. And that also, is human.

When people are mean, or treat us unfairly, this has nothing to do with our love. It has everything to do with theirs. 

Do not ever question your love because of the absence of theirs.

Love is always the best option.

Tribute n˚36

Be careful what you wish for...

Postponed happiness.

I’ll be better when I have this job, when I own this car, when I find love. 

Monday comes. While eating my breakfast, I was trying to digest fast the thoughts that kept me awake forever last night. 

This exercise I was trained for when I was asked what I wish to become. 

What do you want to be when you grow up?

How funny this is, at 8 I discovered my first orgasm, at 26 I sometimes wake up feeling like a 8 year old. Lego nostalgia. Everything fit back then. 

Reverse chances and surrendering oppositions. I’ll take my bet. For more. For tomorrow. Living in sorrow. 

... you just might get it.

Postponing my happiness was a bet I lost before even taking it. 

Tribute n˚34

You're hungry you have one problem, you're not you have a hundred.

The greatest part of our unhappiness is mostly not caused by situations or people, the greatest part of our unhappiness is generally caused by what our mind is saying about what is happening around us. We are only unhappy because life does not happen the way we think it should. 

Epictetus, a Greek Stoic philosopher, came to this conclusion more than two thousand years ago. He was born a slave and ended his physical life teaching philosophy.

When we decide to leave those comments behind, our lives look suddenly so different. Try.

In the gap between two thoughts, our consciousness does not disapppear. In between those two thoughts, there is something else, that is much deeper than the worried ego, there is only the now, i realised in a sigh.

Tribute n˚33

Short, if you're having fun with me,

Infinite, if you are waiting in line to pee ;)

(it's about) Time.

Even if we insist on measuring it, we can all agree that time does not exist. Our experience of time has less relation to the actual measurable time than the subjective way our minds dance with it.

The best way to lengthen a life is not to try so hard to add more years to its tale but to densify the now.

The pioneers of making life feel longer in the way that really counts are artists. At its best, Art makes us notice things we took for granted. Van Gogh made us realise how majestic sunflowers are, and Chopin about life's undeniable nostalgia.

But there are simple things we can do to make time matter.

Looking properly, living more deliberately every aspect of this life. We would then notice that our best friend has wrinkles on the side of their eyes when they laugh, how soft their lips are when they touch ours. We would create meaningful interactions with strangers, enjoy l'heure bleue on a random Tuesday night, or dare to ask ourselves and others questions that revive our spirits and open our souls.

With sufficient imagination and appreciation every minute could feel like ten. 

Rather than living long lives, we should aim to live lives that feeeeeeel long.

Because maybe we won’t live long, but daaaamn we lived.

Tribute n˚32


"My Self had to die first for me to realise that it never existed in the first place."

What happens when the self is defined by otherness? When it is, before being anything else, other?

I never fit. I always felt I never would.

My skin color was not right. My hair. My african name. My size. So I created a dysfunctional self. I was so other, that other became me. 

I realised I was myself when I just did not think about my self. When we lose ourselves, we connect to the whole, the oneness. Some people lose themselves when they dance, when they surround themselves with music, some when they read or run. The self is suspended. Here disappears the need for affirmation of the self, being is just enough.

Oneness is a connection we can always go back to when we want to connect with the self.

Progress is only possible when the self that was making us insecure or anxious is being forgotten. When the self does not get in the way, we can recognize others as ourselves before getting to know them. We can sympathize and feel the pain or happiness like it's ours. We can finally stop giving the self so much authority, as this might be a constructed part of us, a projection of others, but never us as a whole.

We then stop identifying with its belongings, its transmitted values, its best sides or short comings, its emotions. We are finally capable to evaluate situations, with a distant appreciation and wisdom.

Because living completly lost in the self is passing by a huge part of life.

It becomes easier to destroy the planet, to use children to make our clothes or rape as a weapon during wars.

The cracks have started to show. It's only a matter of time now.

Tribute n˚31

You and I, me and we

How “I” stands big and tall. A pillar, the lighthouse watching the city go to sleep.

How “we” is soft and sWEet, symphonic, blissfully deep. 

“we” knows about modesty. About fruitful pain, compromising expansion, strong acceptance and vulnerable equality.

“we” never forgets about “I”. It could not live without it and knows it. “we” appreciate “I” and never takes it for granted, as “we”, without “I”, might never be.

“I” forgets about “we”. Only from time to time, never on purpose. Don’t judge me. 

See, “I” thrIves on “we”. It feels magnified, electrified while developing through “we”. 

It finds no ending to the horizon of what this addition might be. 

one+one=3. You and me, and the small “we” created lately. Maybe we renounced when “we” became too big and tried to compete with me. 

I-we hurts. Grief of what this person could be. Until I realise that the “we” that you made flourish within me always will be.

I know it's Monday, but do not forget to spread the love, dear self-lovers!

Tribute n˚30

I didn't have any sense of myself until I met them.

The universe is made of two things. An infinite space and objects that live in it.

Like the universe, we are an unlimited space in which thoughts and feelings (objects) appear. 

When we identify with our thoughts and feelings, we reduce the ocean of ourselves to the creatures that live in it. We do not know ourselves beyond our mental state. The self is confused with the mind.

When we are being told that we are wrong, our sense of self is suddenly being endangered. This is where the ego becomes defensive. Especially because the ego always feels like we are just not enough. It always needs more. More things to feel better, more time to be better.

Not knowing what we are beyond our mind or identifying completely with the mind, is the perfect ground for conflict. The egoistic sense of self needs dramas, enemies, difficult situations, to make sure the self does exist, still. It will find any excuse to show how big the self is. It defines its identity through the opposition of the other. "Us against them". It fights in the service of an identity, that is completly built in opposition to the... other.

The ego needs conflicts. Because with no conflict or enemies, the sense of the self becomes so fluid, that it might realise, that we are in fact, just one.

Tribute n˚29

There is something bigger than wining, losing, or even trying.

There is silence.

Silence is the song the greatest souls decided to stop to dance on. 

Moments of silence hum with harmony. Carry for, without expectation or disappointment, what this moment might be.

Silence is relaxation, an endless possibility. When we can direct, reflect, what we can feel. And decide to make real.

With no words, silence draws the infinite. Realises how long now is.

Silence is not to be exercised only with words. It should also be cultivated within.

Like the skies let clouds pass by, let a stranger go with no judgement. Let a thought go with detachment.

Find in silence the emptiness of intention, the fullness of just letting be.

Where love can grow broad and unshamedly.

Tribute n˚28

Picture day is coming. Maman just offered me an overall to wear.
Of course I won't wear it. Who would? I don't want to be the village idiot in my middle school. What will I wear then?

On how to make a decision.

Life is a never-stopping development of decisions. Some studies show that the more choices humans have, the less happy they are. Simple complications.

I always ask myself "how can we make the "right" decisions?". Beyond the notions of right or wrong-doing, which I chose not to believe in, how can we make decisions that serve us the most? 

I still haven't found any answer. However, I decided to be convinced that every decision we make serves our growth. Usually, the most painful ones are the most rewarding ones. Complicated simplicity. 

Now, before making a decision, here is what I ask myself:

"Whose decision is this? Is this decision really mine?"

A lot of decisions we make are the "wrong" ones, just because they are not ours.

Social pressure casted a shadow on our own light.

Most of the time, the ones who pressure us into those decisions are only projecting on us their own insecurities. If we make the choices they would make, it would validate their "self". And even if they mean well, sometimes help is just the sunny side of control.

Our decision process is always a patchwork of different influences we can barely put our finger on. But there is this little fire inside our stomach that shows its most beautiful flames when it just "feels right". We should make sure we keep this fire alive.

Overalls are back on trend, they're cool now. But Maman has always been and always will be.

Tribute n˚27

To paying attention.

To pay attention. To pay.

French people would say "porter attention", which can be translated as "to carry" attention or "prêter attention", which can be translated as "to loan" attention. 

I think it says a lot about how attention is a treasure we sometimes give up too fast.

The attention you give to something outside of yourself, therefore something you could never control, is a currency you pay you will never get back, your time.

Wherever attention goes, energy flows. So whatever you focus on, grows. Choose wisely !

Tribute n˚26

I said "I am scared to die, would you come along?"

He said "No."

"Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves"  - Gene Fowler

To Disappointment.

Dealing with disappointment in form of people is always hurtful. We are even more disappointed in ourselves, for being so "vulnerable", for giving them "so much love and trust".

People do what they want to do. Always.

They broke our understanding, and we feel sad, ashamed, angry or even betrayed.

Maybe we have not yet understood understanding.

Understanding is never absolute. Because relationships,and on a bigger scale, humans, never are. A relationship (with a friend, a lover, a parent, a boss, the cat down the road) is only a variable. A constantly fragile variable that needs daily adjustment. Like a boat we decide to drive, a relationship needs care, attention and effort. We decided to take the wheel, right?

There is no such thing as an absolute relationship. Even to our own engine.

Some people think this is scary, I like to think this is relieving. 

How could we ever stop being disappointed? Disappointment is only avoidable when we stop having needs, ambitions or feelings. Then we can have a relationship with the Dead. Or, some of us choose to have a relationship with the Divine. No possible way to ever be disappointed. 

However, people will often not keep their promises, be absent, say terrible things, or even worst, fall dead on us !

Damn them.

Not that we should convince ourselves that we should stop having feelings. We won't.

However, Disappointment is a beautiful gift we are given. Someone has giving us this great opportunity to get closer to the (hurtful but releasing) truth. They pushed us away from an illusionary state, that involved the "illusional them", but also, and most importantly, the "illusional us". The latter is the only one we can control, improve, drive. And the lesson is learned only when we understand how we can grow from this, to reach the best version of ourselves.

And for that, we should (maybe in the future) deeply thank them.

In the mean time we can eat ice-cream...?

Tribute n˚25

Wir sitzen alle in einem Boot.

Comes a point in our lives that we question everything around us. Maybe even everyone, including ourselves.

Some call it Saturn Return, some call it mid-life crisis. For my generation, the mid life crisis happens at around 25.

We did everything right. We followed the path everyone around us recommended. And yet, we feel there is something that is just... not right.

The order of things has been suspended. The unknown has knocked on our door and this is always very unsettling. Change is the only constant.

Humans are liminal. In anthropology, liminality can be defined as a " the quality of ambiguity or disorientation that occurs in the middle stage of rites, when participants no longer hold their preritual status but have not yet begun the transition to the status they will hold when the rite is complete."

During this time, we stand at the threshold, between the old us that no longer suit us, and the new one, that is yet to be discovered. 

We have to learn again how to drive our existence again, hoping it will finally be guided towards a "new flourishing us". 

We are never alone or isolated in this process. We all doubt ourselves. Self-doubt, if it does not become a daily routine, can actually a good and reliable friend. The one that makes sure we do not take things for granted, realise how privileged we are and never allow us to sit on our laurels. It makes sure we do not miss opportunities comfort always does.

If this phase is always very uncomfortable, the future and its promise of transformation should keep us hopeful. There is no right answer or right tips here. Looking inward to see forward is the only motto.

Tribute n˚24

On her first communion, my mother and her crew (her sisters), dressed in white, smoked her first cigarette she stole in a car. Caught by her father, she was forced to smoke every cigarettes of the pack. Her sin never surfaced again. 

If I was definitely not raised in a religious environment,  I do think about my twelve-year-old mother smoking her sins in a small village in France, back in the early seventies.

In favour of Religion.

For some, Religion is just a sect that turned out well. For others, it is a solid guideline they live on. I am not trying to debate on the consequences the different interpretations of religion has had on our societies.

If Religion is a very personal and yet universal topic, it can also offer solid and interesting principles our "developed" societies could study and investigate a bit more, from time to time.

Indeed, Religion reminds us how small we are. I don't know about you, but this thought comforts me, daily. Religion restores perspective. And that’s what we lack, as humans. 

Religion makes us aware of our environment. It makes us notice how bright and elegant the moon is, and how fierce and mighty the stars are.

From this planet, on a bright night, 2500 stars can be seen in the sky, when our universe counts 300 billion of them. That means, for every star in our Milky Way, there is a whole galaxy out there. For every grain of sand on our planet, there are 10 000 stars. See? We don't see shit. 

This sense of all, or whole, we tend to forget too quickly. We lose sight of what is significant every day. Religion, at its best, can be a sweet and necessary reminder.

Religion intends to educate us. Not our brains only, but our emotions, too.

School system leaves our emotional intelligence to ourselves, after school. And the rising number of people who emotionally suffer shows that we do need as humans to be educated on our feelings and emotions, not only on geography and mathematics. Religion reminds us to be kind, compassionate to human beings, but also to all living creatures on the planet.

Religion creates a sense of community. And we all try to get out of this deep loneliness we experience the second we were born. Nowadays, it might be music, it might be dance, it might be a book club. All we want, is to escape this scary thought of being so isolated and vulnerable. Religion is definitely not left to "religious people" only. Everyone has their own. Same but different.

Tribute n˚23

The second she entered the room, I could not stop staring at her. Not because of her outfit, or her perfume, it came from within. She had something, this something I could not get to the bottom of. I owned it during my childhood but lost it during my teen years.

To Confidence.

Confidence is a skill that should be learned within and taught to others.

The negative inner voices were once voices that came outside of ourselves. They were often coming from figures of authority, teachers, close "friends" or even "trust-worthy" family members.

By what they said or said not, did or did not, we lost trust. The trust that we could be enough. 

If a healthy childhood is definitely the starting point of confidence, the ones that did not have the chance to benefit from those solid foundations should not give in to those thoughts. Because those thoughts are not us. We should rather take distance from them and understand that they are exactly what they are, just thoughts. However, like babies, thoughts that are not taking care of can turn into "difficult" teenagers.

We were all the "victims" of our childhood, happy or quite sad, healthy or unbalanced. But the good news are, it does not have to define us in our adult life. We can bloom where we once bled.

We have to understand that those voices came from adults that were also dealing with their own fights and fears. These insignificant yet highly impactful comments and actions were survival and protection strategies to cope with the difficulty of life. And if we were once the collateral victim of these, we can - and should - decide to break this cercle. 

The painful realisation that adults do not hold all the answers should unravel the possibility to become our first and unique care givers. We can allow ourselves to develop self-pity, not in an egoistic and narcissistic way, but simply to heal our inner-child. Because self-pity is nothing more but compassion extended to ourselves. And we all deserve it.

In this way, we can finally give ourselves maybe the only thing any human being - baby or adult - deeply need, unconditional acceptance.

Tribute n˚22

Me: "I was getting my point across, everyone was looking at me and listening, I felt so empowered!"

Friend: " But then what happened?"

Me: " I realised my pants were unzipped."

To this moment you felt your chicks burning, your armpits sweating, and you thought "oh god, I am so damn awkward".
We are surrounded by people and we feel completely odd and lonely. They would have never done what we just did or this would have never happened to them.This is just typical US.And yet I'm pretty sure everyone, at different times of their lives, have felt the exact same way, just awkward.
We have theoretically two choices here:We could decide to mimic what the external world allows us to see, losing in the process our unique clumsiness that makes us, us. Or we could develop what makes us reasonably approachable, a sense of emotional intelligence and reliable sensitivity.Think about it, maybe what makes us awkward is not specific traits we have, but only the ways we developed to interpret strangers. We might have eyes, but we are often clearly blind. We forget that strangers only show us what they want us to see, and that we judge ourselves way harder, simply because we know way more about ourselves than others. Nobody eats the same way when they are alone and hungry. And on instagram, everybody shows what they eat but never what they poop. E-xa-ctly.

Even if overcoming our awkwardness sounds appealing, I'd like to think that it also might be a species unifier. We all are awkward, to a certain extent.More than humans, this makes us warm. Through a modest sense of humor, along with a smile and a knowing glance, we can maybe inspire others to join our clumsy, awkward, but cool kids club.